April 2012 – Lakesidegirl

Reality and Ridiculous

In a video produced for my ministry, a parent described the LLH as the intersection of love and excellence. We really like that description, because it captures two of our most important values. We love our students and we are excellent at trying to figure out what makes them tick.

I feel like my life lately is an intersection of reality and ridiculous. I’ve been becoming increasingly cranky at others [read: Christians] who aren’t living in reality (based on my own cynical observations). I could cite specific examples and point fingers, but that’s rude and I’m trying to not be unnecessarily rude. Suffice it to say I’m tired of watching people living oblivious to the harsh realities in the world around them. I’m tired of hearing about how it’s obvious Jesus is coming soon, reading an announcement in the church bulletin about how you shouldn’t pick up plastic bottles from your yard because kids put drano and foil in them and they’ll explode and look Snopes says it’s true (except it actually only happened once in New York two years ago), and putting up with other crazy things that put peoples’ focus off of things that are actually happening and actually matter. And yes, I know the thing about plastic bottles was a specific example, but it was just so annoying that I couldn’t help it. Yes, that was a real thing that happened yesterday.

I just want to stand up in church or wherever I encounter this behavior and shout about all that’s happening in the world. Don’t you know that thousands of people are dying in Syria? That war might be brewing again in Sudan? What are we doing to contribute positively to race relations in Tulsa? Don’t you know that Jesus cares more about loving my students and their families then he does about worrying about his return? Don’t you know I’m dealing with real people and real problems, not imaginary plastic bottle bombs?

There has to be a middle. I don’t expect everyone to jump up and follow me to my ministry. And I don’t think shouting will help anyone but me. But I don’t know how to or even if I should bother encouraging people in my world to engage with reality and put aside this time-wasting.

I don’t the answer, but until an acceptable one appears, I have things to do. Because remember, my life is an intersection of reality and ridiculous.

Today’s reality? One of my students is having a shunt revision. His mom says this is a surgery he has had before, but still, it’s his brain. I feel like it’s a big deal. I really need him to be fine. So I pray.

Today’s ridiculous? We kind of need OneOk’s stock to go up in the next few weeks. Someone gave my ministry a lot of it, and the higher the price, the more money we can have for our new building. In addition to this miracle stock donation, we need another 3-5 million by May 25th so we can expand and serve more kids and teach more people how to do what we do. So I pray.

When I focus on my reality and ridiculous, the other insanity fades to the back. Because I don’t have time to waste being annoyed at insanity. I have a kid in surgery and stock to go up. There’s a lot to pray about and a lot to have faith about, whether or not anyone else picks up on this ridiculous reality.

Captain

I have been given many mixed messages on being a woman. To be clear from the start, these messages aren’t from my parents. From them I received nothing but affirmation, along with no prescription that I must get married to be important. The mixed messages arrived from some of the people in the Christian subculture where I spent a lot of my time. It’s a strange world I inhabited.

I was often surrounded by people who spoke of feminism like it was a filthy dirty swear word, who believed that women were naturally second best, who gave women important tasks but always with a man in authority. But simultaneously I was always encouraged to be the best that I could be, that I could be anyone I wanted, that I was intelligent and beautiful, that I was a woman of God. I could change the world, follow my dreams, and do great things for the glory of God. Except, when it really came down to it, I really should be married to do those things. I needed a man to guide me. Except, once I was married, I really just needed to have children and then I had to stay at home and homeschool and keep a perfect home. All of those dreams? A career? Any use of a college education beyond teaching my children? I can’t actually have any of those things because I am a woman. And women who love God and follow Jesus has to follow these steps. Or you aren’t living biblically.

Needless to say, these conflicting messages have been confusing. Why do you tell me how much I can achieve, then teach me that I can’t actually do any of it? What do you mean I need a man in order to have a fulfilled life? I’m really just supposed to quit the dreams God has called me to fit into your ideal of who a “Christian woman” is supposed to be? My only dream is supposed to be being a wife and mother? In the words of Liz Lemon: blergh.

I would like to say I’ve wrestled with this dilemma, but let’s be honest. I haven’t wrestled with it. I just realized I was being forced into a false dichotomy, so I chose to throw aside the crazy. Someday, part of my life may include finding a travel buddy [read: a husband] and having children. And I would like to stay home with those children and perhaps homsechool them. BUT I DON’T HAVE TO BASED ON SOMEONE ELSE’S IDEAL FOR MY LIFE JUST BECAUSE I AM A WOMAN.

I can do great things without a man–and with one. I can make great decisions on my own–and with others. I can have dreams–and God can change or keep them. I am the captain of this ship, with God drawing up the maps as I go along.

Even though choosing to throw out some of the crazy imposed upon me wasn’t difficult, the old messages pop up with surprising frequency. When everyone is getting married and having babies, it feels weird to be one of the few that isn’t. Is there something wrong with me? Am I not living the way I should? Why am I not getting asked on dates preparing for marriage (or whatever the conservative Christian kids are calling it these days)?

If I still believed what I was told for so many years, these and other questions would lead me to think that I was out of God’s will. I would think that my life isn’t good enough because I’m not married. Worst of all, I would think that someone else is responsible for my happiness and completeness as a child of God. That sobers me up pretty good, because those are lies.

I’m where I’m supposed to be. I’m who I’m supposed to be. I’m working in the job at the ministry where I belong. For this season, since I am not otherwise attached, I can devote myself to my job without reservations. I can take extra responsibilities, learn new tasks, and do things for others that I couldn’t do if I had a man and children at home. I love my life.

I am not lesser in God’s eyes because I am a woman. I am following his dreams for me. I am making a difference. And no amount of other people’s crazy will change that.

I am the captain of this ship, with God drawing up the maps as I go along.

TV

I think I’ve mentioned before that over the last two years, my entertainment and escapist world of choice has been TV shows. I don’t sit in front of the television, ironically. Instead I indulge with Netflix and DVDs on my laptop.

This development has come about for a number of reasons. First, I’m tired. And I’m busy. I love my job, but it’s demanding. At the end of the day, I’m exhausted physically, mentally, and emotionally. I wrote a paragraph that scratches the surface of what I do in a day, but that just got exhausting so I stopped writing and decided I’d elaborate on that another day. Just picture a lot of preschoolers, co-workers, volunteers, cleaning, and running around like a crazy person. That’s my life. And I love it. But when I come home I don’t want to read. My brain is sleepy and I want to do something that demands less from me. Reading requires a lot of my brain and my emotions. Shows pull on my emotions, but in a different and less demanding way than reading. So, TV it is.

Second, I enjoy TV shows more than movies. Movies are an hour and a half or two, and then they’re over. Unless it’s Firefly (tears), TV shows have multiple seasons with many episodes. More stories? More character development? More of my favorite actors? Yes please. I enjoy being able to immerse myself in a show’s universe, story arcs, and characters over a longer period of time than movies allow. Escapism!

Third, Netflix has better TV shows than movies.

Fourth, when I do read, I’ve become interested in mostly memoirs and non-fiction. Fiction, except for young adult literature, doesn’t really strike a chord with me anymore. I loved The Help, but I read that last Spring Break and I haven’t read any good fiction since then. I know it’s out there, I just can’t/won’t make the investment. I mostly read Christian fiction in high school, and I don’t like that anymore either. My most recent reading binge of 20 books on my trip to Mexico only included three works of fiction, all Christian. And I hated two of of them, because they were so insipid and useless. But I like to finish things, so there you go. Despite these disappointments, I still love stories of things not real. And since written fiction has been letting me down, TV comes to save the day. Oh, the stories I have found and loved in television over the last two years! Like books always have, the stories in shows are making a mark in my life.

Fifth, I love the ridiculous. Time traveling alien? Yes. A forensic anthropologist and her crack science and FBI team? Check. A political drama set in space? Awesome. A sci-fi western? No doubt. A cute nerd and some spies? Definitely. I don’t watch shows to experience real life. Reality need not invade on my entertainment. I want to see what’s possible on the edge of imagination. I want a window on what life is like without some of the limits put on mine. I want to dream about adventures that are impossible. I love seeing how a super-spy mission, a trip to an imaginary planet or a battle against a terrifying foe can give insight into my own life. Because it does. I will elaborate on that another day, though.

Sixth, I like the funny. My job is ridiculous and hilarious most days. But some days it’s soul-wearying. I dwell in reality, where life is hard for my students and their families. Again, a story for another day. But while dwelling in reality is the only place I want to be, it can be draining. And sometimes I just want to laugh. A crazy paper company staff? Of course. A dysfunctional family who is perpetually ridiculous? Hilarious. Crazy friends living the New York life trying to find love and happiness? Absolutely. The cast of a made-up comedy show constantly becoming involved in shenanigans? Always. I don’t care if people aren’t that funny in real life. That’s why I’m watching: to appreciate humor in a world that needs some.

Seventh, I just like TV shows.

Now that I’ve analyzed my current obsession to some detail, it’s time to play Guess Those Shows (a distant cousin of my family game of Guess Who’s Dead). I’m not especially clever with my descriptions nor do I watch obscure TV shows, but I’m curious if my scant readership knows which shows I described. So, Guess Those Shows?