This was also supposed to be published a while back. On February 21, actually. Fail WordPress. Fail. Here it is now on March 1 but with the appropriate date.
This weekend I played in my first Ultimate Frisbee tournament.
I was terrified. Which was why I did it. My theme for myself this year is: “Don’t live in fear.” So if I’m afraid of something…I push myself to do it. [This does not include skydiving, lugeing/skeletoning at Whistler in Vancouver, playing with matches, driving unsafely, or any other such nonsense. The fears involved with those things are healthy.] Following this theme has manifested itself mostly in starting to play Ultimate Frisbee.
I swear, I lost my mind when I decided to start playing Ultimate this, my last semester of my senior year of college. In addition to losing my mind, though, I also let go of some fear, slowly and without realizing it at first. It was only at the tournament this weekend that I realized how much fear had left me.
My fear of playing Ultimate was failing. I fear failure like nobody’s business. At least, I did. Somehow, I don’t really fear failure as much anymore. Before I started to play, I feared failing in these ways (and this is by no means an exhaustive list): throwing a frisbee, running, letting down the team by my failures, and being so clumsy/unathletic that I just wouldn’t be able to play at all.
Here’s the thing. I fail at Ultimate. A lot. I throw the frisbee the wrong way. I hit people when I’m aiming for other people. I run the wrong direction on the field. I can’t run an end zone drill properly to save my life. I can’t run fast enough to the end zone to catch a hucked frisbee. I can’t run fast AT ALL. This list could go on forever.
Here’s the thing [again]. I don’t fear that failure anymore. I know it’s going to happen. And somehow, my acceptance of that failure takes away the fear of it.
And that? That ridding of fear? Makes all the crazy in my life, especially the Ultimate-related crazy, worth it.
So many times this semester (and oy vey, it’s only February. also, oy vey, it’s already February), I’ve cried out to God saying, “What are you doing? What in the world are you doing to/with my life? This is crazy.” I still don’t know what he’s doing, because I’m pretty sure He isn’t done yet. But this whole ridding of fear business? I like that. I like that a lot.
I just wonder….
And until I get that information…I just keep going.