uncertainty

I’ve had the year 2010 in the back of my mind for years. I’ve known since elementary school that I would be graduating from college in 2010.

I graduated seven months ago and now 2010 is nearly over. It’s time for 2011.

I don’t know what to do with 2011. Life has been planned only up until this point. I don’t know what to do next or when things will happen. This is not bad. It’s actually fabulous, it’s just taking some getting used to.

In January of 2010, I wrote a list of things I wanted to have accomplished over the next year, prompted by questions I found on Boundless Line. Not quite resolutions, but really some thoughts and dreams and ideas for this last crazy year.

The first question was “What would you like to see different about your life one year from now?” My first item on the list? Not even anywhere near accomplished. However, it was “I would like to have gone on a date” so that’s not exactly something I can take care of on my own. I was much more successful with my other plans, such as “I would like to have a steady job, preferably at LLH” and “I would like to be saving money.” Hurrah for an amazing job that pays!

As to what I wanted to have accomplished by now? Playing ultimate well was one of my goals. I don’t know if I play it well, but I’m infinitely better than I was last January. I play a sport now. I have frisbees. It’s weird and awesome. I can’t even begin to describe how my decision to play Ultimate changed my life. I’m healthier, more athletic, less fearful, more confident, and more. The Lord did those things. It’s kind of amazing. Also, I’m pretty sure that all that happened with me and Ultimate and other choices I made in 2010 have given me the confidence to quit grad school and change directions a bit. I’m seriously considering getting an MBA or MNFP [master’s in not-for-profit management], something I wouldn’t have dreamed of a year or two ago. Honestly, probably because a year or two ago I didn’t think I could do that. Accounting? Math? Administrating a non-profit? Those are potentially terrifying prospects. Well, they used to be terrifying. I’m not afraid.

“For God gave us a spirit not of fear butof power and love and self-control.” [2 Timothy 1:7]

I, of course, had other goals and dreams for the year, but this isn’t the space for them. Some were accomplished. Others are dreams still left unfulfilled. As I look back on what I wrote about every month, I know the year has been good. There’s always another year for dreams to come to fruition. To be made beautiful.

So what will the year of 2011 bring? Unknowns. Exciting unknowns. I don’t really know what to do with you, 2011. Fortunately, I’m not the one who has to know.

^“He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the human heart; yetno one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end.” [Ecclesiastes 3:11]

Conundrum

I’m sitting on a screened-in porch. I love screened-in porches. Whenever I have my own home, I want one.

Sitting here on this porch, I think I just accepted something that I don’t really want to accept. I think and think and think about some subjects, mulling over a decision or a problem or a conundrum.

I’ve been thinking about his particular conundrum for about a year. And sometimes, my head and my heart actually join together and decide: “You’ve thought enough. You’re done. This is how it’s going to be. Accept it. Embrace it. Obsess over something else.”

Apparently sometimes is now.

I reserve the right to unaccept it later.

July

It’s July. How did that happen? June really did fly by. I’ve barely even processed the last week or so. So much has happened and is happening now that I just don’t quite know what to do with myself.

I drove to Cleveland a lot. And my sister moved in with me–then I didn’t need to drive to Cleveland anymore.

I was a bridesmaid in the craziest wedding that will ever be.

I went to Cedar Point. And rode many roller coasters, including the 4th tallest roller coaster in the world.

I think I’m getting a sinus infection.

I wrote letters, sent texts, typed facebook messages, and called people. Desperately trying to stay in touch with people I love.

I enrolled for grad school.

I bought a new water bottle.

I joined an Ultimate Summer League.

I still have little to read.

Sometimes I don’t know what I’m doing–but I know I’m in the right place so I just keep going.

I miss the Little Light House.

July. Be awesome.

What to Read Next

I don’t know what I want to read anymore. This has taken me quite some time to admit. Books have always been how I identified myself. Alas, limits on my time, school work, life in general, and much more has changed how I decide what to read next.

First, my attention span is much shorter. If I start a book and am not immediately hooked, I drop it. I don’t have time to waste on books I don’t absolutely love. This unfortunately means I don’t give most books a chance.

Second, my tastes have changed. I know what I don’t like. I just don’t know what I do like anymore.

Third, my life is changing all the time. I want to just re-read books I know I used to love so I can feel more settled. This doesn’t always work, though. I feel guilty for reading something already read. Also, some of my formerly beloved books–I just don’t care for anymore but I don’t realize it until I’ve started and then my fond memory of the book is ruined.

This is such a silly thing to fret over. It’s just books.

But really, it isn’t just books. I just don’t know what it is.

I still don’t know what to read next.

Oh, and it’s mid-June and I haven’t even contemplated May or anticipated June. It’ll be over before I know it. This is too fast.