2010 – Lakesidegirl

MLKJR

If I were a better user of wordpress/the internet, I would find some way to fancy up the presentation of the links below. Alas, I am not, so I’m really not going to try this time. The links below are a few audio documentaries related to the Civil Rights movement, as well as a link to speeches by prominent leaders in the Civil Rights movie. One of those speeches found under link number 5 is Martin Luther King, Jr.’s last speech.

This year and last year are the first times in my life that I have had the opportunity to actually observe MLKJR day. In elementary/middle/high school, my private school didn’t observe the day, saying it was just too close to the beginning of the year, when really it was just their way of disrespecting this man, this movement, freedom. Unfortunately, in showing their disdain for this holiday (again, with the vague excuse of inconvenience and a not-veiled hatred of government holidays because they thought the government infringes on our rights by making us take days off….) they displayed their disregard for the great things this man and this movement accomplished. Whether they were so passive-aggressively hateful from ignorance or intention, I’ll never know. I don’t really want to know.

In college, school was not called off, but they day was honored with special chapels with topics relating to MLKJR and civil rights. Better, but still not quite good enough.

Take the day, observe it, celebrate it. I didn’t do anything particularly special, except write this, and think about life in America. I’m overwhelmed sometimes by how bad things were and how bad things still are in regards to civil rights and racial reconciliation. When I think back to what I’ve learned about the Civil Rights Movement, particularly Freedom Summer and MLKJR’s assassination, I wonder on whose side I would have been.

I want to be the kind of person who was marching, who was registering people to vote, who was involved. I don’t ever want to be on the sidelines. Ever. I don’t know who I would have been, I just know who I want to be. That’s why I take my job working with children with disabilities so seriously and so personally. It’s a different fight than the one about ending institutional discrimination based on the color of skin, but it’s still important. Again, while I can’t go back in time and know where I would have stood in 1964, I can say I’m in the thick of it for the mostly silent battle for respect, honor, and dignity for those with disabilities. I refuse to stay on the passive sidelines, letting other people do the work.

I’ve stood where MLKJR spent his last moments, where he died. I’ve stood where his assassin fired. It was a moving, sobering experience. That museum, that whole week in Jackson and Memphis still stands as an important marker in my life. It’s partially because of that journey that I take a day like today so seriously.

It matters.

Audio-documentaries

Skipping

I skipped a comprehensive review of February and a preview of March for a number of reasons. One, at first I just forgot.

Two, February was really nothing to write home about. Snowpocalypse. I literally didn’t leave the house for most of the first two weeks of February. Seriously. It started snowing on Monday night January 31…and I didn’t go anywhere until Saturday February 5. Even after that the roads were so bad that I still didn’t go many places. I watched a lot of Netflix. And rearranged my room a thousand times. And pretended to study for the GRE. Among other things. Really, the first two weeks of February 2011 will not go down as the most productive period of my life.

I didn’t really go back to work until Valentine’s Day. Whereupon we had VALENTINE’S WEEK at work. Yayyy, the single life. But really, it was Valentine’s week, it was like we celebrated every day, parties, candy, etc. This is what happens at preschool. We celebrate everything. EVERYTHING. Even Singles Awareness Day.

The latter part of February got more exciting, with Christmas in February, also known as the Book Fair at a local private school. I can’t even really count how many people were in my house, because my sister’s friends just kept coming and coming. 15 maybe? And we woke up super early on a Saturday to buy books. And I must say, it was an excellent book shopping year. Highlight? Our Mississippi, a Mississippi state history textbook from the sixties. Also, lots of pretty travel books.

[background noise for writing this post is one of my favorite episodes of Bones, Two Bodies in the Lab. and my favorite song from the show is about to play. Hurrah for my love of appropriately used electronica. Who knew I liked Depeche Mode? I didn’t.]

The rest of February was tough. Children can be difficult after long periods of being cooped up. Hey, I’m difficult after long periods of being copped up thanks to Snowpocalypse. I just have slightly more self-control. My job is great, but it’s draining, it’s exhausting, it’s demanding. Let’s just say my three week spring break/rest was desperately needed, despite the bonus two weeks of Snowpocalypse.

Also, I was just beginning to build a social life before Snowpocalypse snowed all over it, so I felt like I was starting all over socially in late February. Finding friends without having them right next to me is difficult.

Three (I’ve rambled for so long anyone reading may have forgotten I was listing reasons I hadn’t written what I’m writing yet), I was afraid that somehow March of 2011 would turn out like March of 2010. With bitter disappointment. With expectation turned to nothing. With growth that was really good but really really hard. I just didn’t want to think about that possibility, no matter how remote. Nor did I really want to think about last March. Or this past February for that matter.

Sometimes I need to write in the heat of the moment, so I will remember how I really felt. And sometimes I need to step away and wait so the heat of the moment doesn’t carry me away to extremes that are just exaggerations of my actual feelings. Last year, I needed to remember how I really felt. Now? A little distance is good for me.

This time last year I was in Jackson. Oh how I miss that time. THAT part of March 2010 was fabulous, but I pretended that was April anyway. And that the hateful part of April was just nowhere. Nevertheless, Jackson and the work the Lord did left an impression on my heart, my soul, my mind that will remain forever. Like a tattoo, but I detest the word tattoo. Every word I think of to describe it just isn’t right. It’s not a stamp, not a weight, not a burden, not a tattoo, not a calling, but more than just a simple impression. Inscription. [I really have a thing for precise language] The Lord left an inscription on my heart for/with/by Jackson. This inscription has so much to say, but that’s for another time.

March 2011, you’re almost over. Sorry I tried to ignore you, you’ve actually been rather super. Keep going strong.

So much changes

This time last year I was getting ready to do something completely crazy. It did not turn out as hoped.

Do I love my life anyway? Absolutely. Am I glad I did that crazy thing? Yes. Would I like my life if it had turned out as I had I hoped? I’m not sure. Most likely, probably not.

My current tomorrow will be filled with crazy, just of a different sort. Children, hugs, discipline, grace, cleaning, running, remembering, being.

The best part? The Lord was with me then and the Lord is with me now. And He’ll be there tomorrow and the day after that. Even when I think He’s nuts. Even when I’m nuts. Even when He prompts me to do crazy things. I like this adventure.

More on February thoughts and March expectations later.

Let’s just say that February 2011 will not go down as the most productive month of my life. Also, March 2011 holds much more promise and much less inner turmoil than March 2010.

uncertainty

I’ve had the year 2010 in the back of my mind for years. I’ve known since elementary school that I would be graduating from college in 2010.

I graduated seven months ago and now 2010 is nearly over. It’s time for 2011.

I don’t know what to do with 2011. Life has been planned only up until this point. I don’t know what to do next or when things will happen. This is not bad. It’s actually fabulous, it’s just taking some getting used to.

In January of 2010, I wrote a list of things I wanted to have accomplished over the next year, prompted by questions I found on Boundless Line. Not quite resolutions, but really some thoughts and dreams and ideas for this last crazy year.

The first question was “What would you like to see different about your life one year from now?” My first item on the list? Not even anywhere near accomplished. However, it was “I would like to have gone on a date” so that’s not exactly something I can take care of on my own. I was much more successful with my other plans, such as “I would like to have a steady job, preferably at LLH” and “I would like to be saving money.” Hurrah for an amazing job that pays!

As to what I wanted to have accomplished by now? Playing ultimate well was one of my goals. I don’t know if I play it well, but I’m infinitely better than I was last January. I play a sport now. I have frisbees. It’s weird and awesome. I can’t even begin to describe how my decision to play Ultimate changed my life. I’m healthier, more athletic, less fearful, more confident, and more. The Lord did those things. It’s kind of amazing. Also, I’m pretty sure that all that happened with me and Ultimate and other choices I made in 2010 have given me the confidence to quit grad school and change directions a bit. I’m seriously considering getting an MBA or MNFP [master’s in not-for-profit management], something I wouldn’t have dreamed of a year or two ago. Honestly, probably because a year or two ago I didn’t think I could do that. Accounting? Math? Administrating a non-profit? Those are potentially terrifying prospects. Well, they used to be terrifying. I’m not afraid.

“For God gave us a spirit not of fear butof power and love and self-control.” [2 Timothy 1:7]

I, of course, had other goals and dreams for the year, but this isn’t the space for them. Some were accomplished. Others are dreams still left unfulfilled. As I look back on what I wrote about every month, I know the year has been good. There’s always another year for dreams to come to fruition. To be made beautiful.

So what will the year of 2011 bring? Unknowns. Exciting unknowns. I don’t really know what to do with you, 2011. Fortunately, I’m not the one who has to know.

^“He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the human heart; yetno one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end.” [Ecclesiastes 3:11]

Merry Chri-Chri

I love Christmas. This year, I celebrated Christmas approximately five times.

LLH Family Christmas Party
Classroom Birthday party for Jesus
LLH Staff Christmas Party
Crazies Christmas [friend Christmas]
Today

This abundance of celebration has not been overwhelming or stressful–instead, it has been a blessing. I see the work of the Lord in the lives of my friends, family, co-workers, students, and more. It’s been pretty amazing.

So, in the words of one of my beloved students: Merry Chri-Chri.

December, It Always Happens in December

The last month of 2010 is about to arrive.

Whirl. Wind. A whirl of wind. [30 rock is in my brain] That’s the only way to describe this year. As I think about the year, I almost don’t recognize myself from who I was last December. But it’s not the end of the year yet, who knows what else could change in the next 31 days.

So November. The last 30 days have been like each month before it, full of busyness. I’ve been trying to figure out my life, what I want, where to find friends. I have had mixed success.

I love my job. I can’t wait to quit grad school. I’m excited to find another program that fits me better. In my heart, I think I know where I’ll head. But I haven’t done enough research or found a pot of gold at the end of a rainbow to do it.

This last day of November was long. I’m exhausted. Life is good.

Coldplay releases a new song tomorrow. I want it badly.

I love Christmas music. Coldplay’s new song is entitled “Christmas Lights.” I hope this combination is good.

December, be splendid.

Dream Degree

I want a graduate degree that includes the following components:

research
disability studies
special needs ministry
special education
assistive technology
non-profit management
children’s ministry
family ministry
global missions
reading
writing
knitting
public relations
marketing
grant-writing
theology
graphic design

Why do I like so many things?

Halftime

Those six assignments I had to complete in about a week’s time? Done.

Do I know it’s November? Yes.

Is November half way over? Yes.

Is it almost Thanksgiving? Yes.

Is it almost 2011? Yes.

Yikes. I did many things I did not expect in 2010. I didn’t do many things I wanted to do.

I will not be an official student in 2011. Maybe then I’ll be able to do some of 2010’s uncompleted items.

Waiting?

In a quest to find a new graduate program, I have discovered what I already knew: Getting a master’s degree in something in which I’m really interested is expensive. Anything remotely ministry-inclined is more than twice as much as the degree I’m quitting. I find this to be ridiculous. How can master’s degrees in fields specifically non-profit be so expensive? Hello? I won’t be making any money with this degree?

I don’t want to go into more debt just to get a master’s degree. But I don’t really see a way around it/ I’ve read a lot about avoiding debt and I’m totally on board with that. It’s just so unavoidable.

I’ve read about how Christian women my age who want to someday get married and eventually stay at home with their kids shouldn’t acquire debt because they won’t be able to pay it off. There are two problems with that statement to me: someday and eventually. I’m not going to put off graduate school for someday or eventually.

I believe in being prudent, planning for the future (whoa how I plan), etc, but I don’t believe in just twiddling my thumbs. I have no prospects in the young man department. None. Whatsoever. I’m not waiting around for nothing. I don’t think God wants me to wait for nothing. I just don’t know what I’m waiting for or what I should do/what I should spend while I’m waiting.

Live every week like it’s shark week [Tracy Jordan, 30 Rock]

Vote

I voted today. I’ve voted before, but only by absentee ballot. Today was the first time I’ve ever voted in a polling place by my home.

I vote because I like being involved. I listen to NPR, read the newspaper, and make myself informed. Even when my candidate or position isn’t elected or approved, I still take great pride in voting.

I vote because 100 years ago, I would not have been allowed. Simply by virtue of being a woman, I would not have been allowed to vote (or considered a full citizen, really).

I vote because I’ve been in the home of Medgar Evers in Jackson, Mississippi. I stood in the driveway where he was assassinated, saw what’s left of his blood stained onto the concrete, heard the story of how his wife watched him die then fought for three decades for justice. I learned how Medgar Evers fought so that African-Americans in the Deep South could exercise their Constitutional right to vote. He was killed because of that fight.

I vote because I’ve met Medgar Evers brother, Mr. Charles Evers. I listened to a man (who has personal photos with every recent president, knows personal stories about the Kennedys, and refers to conversations with President George W. Bush as “When I was talking to George”) talk about the importance of voting, being involved in what’s going on in America. He knows. His brother was murdered, assassinated for the right to vote.

I vote because I’ve stood just steps from where Martin Luther King, Jr was assassinated. He was murdered because of his fight for the rights of others, including the right to vote. I’ve learned the history of the movement for which he is the face at the National Civil Rights Museum at the Lorriane Motel in Memphis, Tennessee. I’ve seen through pictures, movies, and stories how he and others sacrificed to bring civil rights to all Americans.

I vote because when half of America doesn’t get their way tonight, no one will riot or turn to extreme violence to try to get their way back.

I vote because I have had so many opportunities to learn about America’s history. Through reading books, traveling around the country, meeting people, and hearing stories, I have learned the importance of voting.

I vote because the sacrifices of others made it possible for me and for others to exercise our right to vote, peacefully.

I vote because I want to keep it that way.

I vote because as a young white woman in the Midwest, no one will question my right to vote. I want to use my votes, my knowledge to do everything in my power to ensure others have that same privilege.

I vote because I cannot remain silent.

I vote because that gives me power.

Whoa

November, really?

I look at a calendar and talk about the day with small children every day. Still, November is a surprise. My life seems to always move at breakneck speed, never slowing down.

I made an important decision in October. Sharing this decision with others has led to entertaining conversations. One example:

Friend: “So, how’s school treating you?” [expecting the answer of, fine, busy, etc]

Me: “I hate it, I’m quitting.”

Friend’s Face: Disbelief

It’s getting past my bedtime so I don’t particularly feel like writing much about my decision to go a different direction in my graduate education. I’m pretty excited about it, though. Mostly, though, I’m excited about having a few months to find a life, make friends with people my own age, and look for a different [and most certainly more expensive] graduate program.

Every month of this year, my life has completely changed in some way or another. I decided in October to completely change the direction of my life. That’s kind of a big deal. But, it somehow seems like just a natural progression. Like I had to start a program I won’t finish in order to learn that it wasn’t what I wanted. It’s going to be weird not finishing something I’ve started. And liberating.

So November, what craziness will you bring? If it could involve a group of friends where I live, a man, or really, just a social life, that would be fabulous. Most likely, November will be like every other month this year: unexpected.

Unexpected November is unexpected!

Oh, and I think I’m going to attempt something resembling NaNoWriMo. With no plan except a vague story idea. We’ll see how this goes. It will probably never see the light of day.

[why am I giving myself a new project in the midst of the insane busyness that is my life? probably because I don’t want to do the homework for the classes I have to finish for the degree I won’t be continuing….]

Prompts

I’ve been looking up different creative writing prompts. I like writing. I want to write something more than my own journal-y ramblings (in my real journal and here). Of course, the only way to be a writer is to just start writing.

Alas, I don’t feel like many of the events and stories I might want to share are really that interesting to anyone. Really, who wants to read The Adventures of SPED (special education)?

Or, if my stories are interesting…they probably shouldn’t be shared with the general public because they’re not just about me. They’re about that wedding I was in, that Ultimate team I played on, (oh the prepositional horror I’m in right now) that class I took, (well that’s better, no ending with a preposition there. oh grammar) that family I love. Other people are involved–they’re not just my stories to tell. I can be hurtful enough with the words I speak, so I’d rather not hurt more with the words I write.

The logical answer to those questions is fiction. However, I’m not very good at fiction, because I have a hard time writing about things I haven’t experienced myself. I’m working on it, though. One method (in the last, oh five minutes) was to take a glance at one of the millions of creative writing prompts available on websites. Many look intriguing–but all I can think to write about is a personal story. I mean, some of them demand personal stories, like this one:

Write a formal complaint letter to your deepest, darkest fear.

I don’t think writing to be shared with others has to be so personal as to relate one’s deepest, darkest fear (though writing a formal complaint to that sounds fascinating), I think writing ought to be personal. I just. . .don’t know how to balance those competing forces of being personal and real with being respectful of the privacy of myself and others.

Next month is NaNoWriMo: National Novel Writing Month. My life is such that attempting that (writing a novel of at least 50,000 words in the month of November) would be suicide. However, thinking about NaNoWriMo makes me want to at least try to write something.

I just don’t know what.

Too Much

I have a lot to think about. And it’s really too much. I pile on responsibilities, goals, ambitions. When one of my paths to something shifts out of my control, it makes me overthink. Then it’s 11:30 and I have to wake up in 6 hours and I know what staying up late does to me on Tuesday mornings but I don’t fall asleep anyway and I wish I could go to Homecoming.

Hello There October

I spent the first two days of October in class for grad school. I’m never doing a weekend class again–I hate sitting for that long. I also hate having no weekend.

So, where did September go? It passed in a blur of preschool, grad school, and trying to figure out my new life. Preschool is going fabulously. I love my job. The childrens, all nine of my students, they exhaust me. But oh, they are hilarious.

Grad school is not my favorite thing in the world. It takes up time I’d rather be spending working on stuff for my students or trying to develop a social life or sleeping. However, grad school is the means to becoming a special education teacher someday. Right now, being an assistant is fabulous. But I don’t want to be an assistant forever.

I have had limited success in finding a social life. Where are all the people my age and at my stage of life? Surely there are people in my area who are recently graduated from college and working full-time. I haven’t met them, though.

I did find ultimate pick-up in September. Fear didn’t want me to go–but I went anyway and I had great fun. I still suck at Ultimate. I can never get in the right place at the right time. I rarely touch the frisbee. But, it’s good for me. I forgot, though, that I was really blessed this summer to play on a summer league team with guys who would throw to me. In this pick-up, guys don’t seem to throw much to girls and the few girls view me as competition. HA. Life is funny.

So the blur of September charged on to the present experience of October. September was BUSY. October will also be BUSY. Every day is filled with things to do. I love it. I just wish I had extra time to sleep…

Bring it October.

So Long August

This month has been INSANITY. And I love it. At least most of it. I have fabulous thoughts about this month and I hope to write them down someday. However, because of the insanity, I don’t know when that will happen. Maybe Labor Day weekend?

Probably not. I’ll be sleeping. Because I wake up every day at 6 AM. And I work 40 hours a week. And I’m taking 9 hours of graduate classes. And I’m attempting to maintain friendships of those near and far, including 24-hours only trips to Arkansas and meeting up with friends near and far for snatches of time.

I don’t have time to read, I don’t have time to sleep, but that’s ok. I love my life right now. Except I don’t love grad school. Maybe that will change.

September…bring me sleep.

Also, bring the Little Light House $500,000. If you read this and haven’t heard yet, the school I work for/adore is in a contest on Facebook to win $500,000. Go to Littlelighthouse.org and click on the Kohl’s Cares link and VOTE for the Little Light House!

[Also, Ravelry/UU, I miss you. Someday…I may have free time again and I’ll come back.]

Bring it September.

Goodbye July

In my current time zone, it’s already August. I can’t believe that July has ended. It’s been another crazy month. Then again, I don’t think my life is capable of having not crazy ones.

I recovered from being in a wedding.

I painted a lot of walls in a church.

I went on vacation with my crazy family.

I read books.

I played on a summer league team that made it to the championship game. But I couldn’t play in that final game because I sprained my ankle in the semifinals. Curse my weak ankles.

I finished knitting a hat. Finally.

The best part of July 2010, though? I got hired for my dream job. I start in two weeks. So come on August. Bring your crazy as long as you also bring the awesome. I’m ready.

Conundrum

I’m sitting on a screened-in porch. I love screened-in porches. Whenever I have my own home, I want one.

Sitting here on this porch, I think I just accepted something that I don’t really want to accept. I think and think and think about some subjects, mulling over a decision or a problem or a conundrum.

I’ve been thinking about his particular conundrum for about a year. And sometimes, my head and my heart actually join together and decide: “You’ve thought enough. You’re done. This is how it’s going to be. Accept it. Embrace it. Obsess over something else.”

Apparently sometimes is now.

I reserve the right to unaccept it later.

July

It’s July. How did that happen? June really did fly by. I’ve barely even processed the last week or so. So much has happened and is happening now that I just don’t quite know what to do with myself.

I drove to Cleveland a lot. And my sister moved in with me–then I didn’t need to drive to Cleveland anymore.

I was a bridesmaid in the craziest wedding that will ever be.

I went to Cedar Point. And rode many roller coasters, including the 4th tallest roller coaster in the world.

I think I’m getting a sinus infection.

I wrote letters, sent texts, typed facebook messages, and called people. Desperately trying to stay in touch with people I love.

I enrolled for grad school.

I bought a new water bottle.

I joined an Ultimate Summer League.

I still have little to read.

Sometimes I don’t know what I’m doing–but I know I’m in the right place so I just keep going.

I miss the Little Light House.

July. Be awesome.

What to Read Next

I don’t know what I want to read anymore. This has taken me quite some time to admit. Books have always been how I identified myself. Alas, limits on my time, school work, life in general, and much more has changed how I decide what to read next.

First, my attention span is much shorter. If I start a book and am not immediately hooked, I drop it. I don’t have time to waste on books I don’t absolutely love. This unfortunately means I don’t give most books a chance.

Second, my tastes have changed. I know what I don’t like. I just don’t know what I do like anymore.

Third, my life is changing all the time. I want to just re-read books I know I used to love so I can feel more settled. This doesn’t always work, though. I feel guilty for reading something already read. Also, some of my formerly beloved books–I just don’t care for anymore but I don’t realize it until I’ve started and then my fond memory of the book is ruined.

This is such a silly thing to fret over. It’s just books.

But really, it isn’t just books. I just don’t know what it is.

I still don’t know what to read next.

Oh, and it’s mid-June and I haven’t even contemplated May or anticipated June. It’ll be over before I know it. This is too fast.

God Uses Change?

The truth is, God uses change to change us. He doesn’t use it to destroy us or to distract us but to coax us to the next level of character, experience, compassion, and destiny. I hate to display such a firm grasp of the obvious, but how will we ever change if everything around us stays the same? Or what will ever cause us to move on to the next place He has for us if something doesn’t happen to change the way we feel about where we are? God is thoroughly committed to finishing the masterpiece he started in us (Philippians 1:6), and that process means one major thing: change.

Beth Moore, So Long, Insecurity: You’ve Been a Bad Friend to Us, p. 80