Ever since I was eaten (bitten really, but the way the aftermath took over my life, I might as well have been eaten) by a brown recluse spider last May, every time I feel a little unknown tickle or a scratch, I panic. Just a tiny, tiny bit. Since tickles, scratches, or weird feelings happen often, I inwardly panic much more often than previously typical.
And I really don’t like spiders anymore.
I hadn’t updated my About page in a year. My life isn’t super different, but some things have definitely changed. So I updated it.
I am not a graduate student anymore. I have no idea when or if I’ll return to that.
I don’t really play ultimate anymore.
My life is different in other ways, but ways that aren’t quantifiable enough for an online list describing me. My life is constantly changing, while also somewhat staying the same. Life is weird.
Waiting can sometimes pay off.
In fact, it almost always does, it’s just ridiculously difficult to remember that.
God is always faithful. People sometimes are faithful.
Sometimes I have to wait for things I want, need.
Today I’m thankful for waiting.
I’m thankful for a day off.
I’m thankful that our biggest event of the year went amazingly well.
I’m thankful that that event, MiniLaps, raised $350,000, more money than has ever been raised before for ML.
I’m thankful that the money means the whole staff at my delightful ministry will continue to be paid.
I’m thankful that even if we did have money troubles, I wouldn’t need to worry because of my faithful God and my amazing parents.
I’m thankful that people who have said no to giving to the LLH have started to say yes, in big ways.
I’m thankful God changes the minds of kings.
I’m thankful that my best friend lives a mile from me.
I’m thankful that I’m happy. I don’t think that’s God’s main goal for my life…but it’s delightful when it happens.
I mean, really, look at that face. How can I not be happy spending my days with children like him?
I know waiting is hard.
My students’ attention spans can be the size of gnats, so I repeat that statement many, many times over the course of the school day. Waiting for a turn to spell a name, waiting for snack, waiting for a spot in the bathroom, waiting for another classroom to leave the gym, waiting for an activity to start, waiting for other friends to behave, waiting for lunch, waiting for parents to arrive, and on and on it goes. They react to waiting in so many different ways: screaming, crying, kicking, talking incessantly, and even running away. I talk to them over and over again about the difficulty of waiting and that I understand. But they forget, so I keep reminding.
One would think that this perpetual lesson in waiting would help me remember that waiting is a struggle common to all. It’s an inevitable part of life. Sometimes I can handle waiting with no problem, content in the moment.
Other times I just want some things to HAPPEN already. There are so many things on the periphery of my life that I want moved to the center, but they remain stubbornly on the outside. I want to know how to prepare for my next steps since I will not be an assistant forever, but the steps remain hidden.
Patience has never been my strong suit.
Today two of my kids did something ridiculous during Morning Circle. I could’t stop laughing so I had to cover my face and pretend I was crying so the kids wouldn’t notice I was laughing at them. Because whatever it was, they weren’t supposed to be doing it. But I have no memory of what the ridiculousness was.
My days are sometimes such a blur. My students do hilarious and random things that I can’t always remember, even if I want to remember. It’s like being a parent, but with fake children. But still with bodily functions. And tantrums. And screaming. And crying. And timeouts. And, as I like to call them, costume changes (meaning me having to change into scrubs because some kind of bodily fluid makes its way onto my clothes). Never a dull moment, my job. Those moments are sometimes disgusting, but never dull.
Hello friends and family!
In case I haven’t told you about every detail about the Little Light House, here are a few highlights about my favorite place:
This year we are having our 32nd annual Laps for Little Ones. This year, we have been challenged as a staff to help in the fundraising for this great event and amazing school. I hope you will consider donating to this fabulous cause. Every little bit helps–even just $5!
If you have any questions please contact me!
Thank you for your time!
Much has happened since that terrible week back in May. I was having an allergic reaction and infection from a brown recluse spider bite. Which went undiagnosed for four days and three different doctors. I dislike my primary doctor.
From about my birthday in April until early June, I was kind of in a fog of unhealthiness, from a stomach bug to allergies to being eaten by a spider. Then the summer session at work was CRAZY. Good, but crazy.
This summer was the summer of travel. And I thought I traveled a lot last year! I think I just liked these destinations a lot more than say, Kansas City. I went to Colorado for a wedding, to Lakeside for recharging, then to DC for an adventure with one of my college roommates. I love travel. It’s exhausting, but it never gets old. I don’t have any travel plans in the near future (some significant hopes, but no plane tickets or driving maps at the ready), which is starting to bother me. I feel like I learn so much when I’m in a new place having an adventure.
I have a new class of children. They’re incredibly different than last year’s children. One of my children from last year still loves me, calling my name across the room when she sees me in Large Group time: SAWAH. She also likes to beckon me with her finger saying, “C’mere Sawah,” and patting the spot beside her. It breaks my heart a little that she isn’t with me anymore and that I can’t just sit with her when we want, but she’s a big girl now in a big girl class. She still calls me “My Sawah.” Right now there are few things in my life that warm my heart more than that.
I’m slacking off in my writing skills. I obviously haven’t written here in months and haven’t written much of anything anywhere else either. It’s one of my favorite skills and I don’t want to lose it. I don’t know if I’ll ever go to grad school again or if I’ll need it when I get there. But I’m looking at making grant-writing one of my skills, so regular writing is a definite necessity.
I make no promises.
Well this has been a terrible week. And it’s still only Thursday.
Things happened in April. And March. Apparently I’ve fallen out of the habit of reviewing my months. They’re all seeming to run together.
Things are happening and I like my life, but everything is just such a different speed and tone than the last few years of my life that I don’t really know what to do with it yet. How to process it myself, how to write about it for others to understand. My life is now so intertwined with the personal lives of children, co-workers, volunteers….that I can’t and won’t openly share all my stories on the interwebs. The stories are complicated, personal, detailed, crazy, and most of the time: Business, None of Yours.
And I don’t do much else but work, especially this month. I mean, I got older, but I was sick most of the day. Yay preschool stomach bug. And really, who wants to read about that?
Basically, the last two weeks, I have worked, then gone home and watched shows or slept. Or both. I’ve been exhausted, allergied, and trying to stay healthy enough to keep going to work. Ironically, last week during our devotional time at work, we talked about time management and using our time wisely. Alas, I can’t always be super-productive.
May will be busier. Graduations, changes, crazy.
Also I watch Doctor Who now. Despite the persecution, I love being a nerd. I love time travel, existential questions, and beautiful music. AND Britishness. Can I be Amelia Pond?
I skipped a comprehensive review of February and a preview of March for a number of reasons. One, at first I just forgot.
Two, February was really nothing to write home about. Snowpocalypse. I literally didn’t leave the house for most of the first two weeks of February. Seriously. It started snowing on Monday night January 31…and I didn’t go anywhere until Saturday February 5. Even after that the roads were so bad that I still didn’t go many places. I watched a lot of Netflix. And rearranged my room a thousand times. And pretended to study for the GRE. Among other things. Really, the first two weeks of February 2011 will not go down as the most productive period of my life.
I didn’t really go back to work until Valentine’s Day. Whereupon we had VALENTINE’S WEEK at work. Yayyy, the single life. But really, it was Valentine’s week, it was like we celebrated every day, parties, candy, etc. This is what happens at preschool. We celebrate everything. EVERYTHING. Even Singles Awareness Day.
The latter part of February got more exciting, with Christmas in February, also known as the Book Fair at a local private school. I can’t even really count how many people were in my house, because my sister’s friends just kept coming and coming. 15 maybe? And we woke up super early on a Saturday to buy books. And I must say, it was an excellent book shopping year. Highlight? Our Mississippi, a Mississippi state history textbook from the sixties. Also, lots of pretty travel books.
[background noise for writing this post is one of my favorite episodes of Bones, Two Bodies in the Lab. and my favorite song from the show is about to play. Hurrah for my love of appropriately used electronica. Who knew I liked Depeche Mode? I didn’t.]
The rest of February was tough. Children can be difficult after long periods of being cooped up. Hey, I’m difficult after long periods of being copped up thanks to Snowpocalypse. I just have slightly more self-control. My job is great, but it’s draining, it’s exhausting, it’s demanding. Let’s just say my three week spring break/rest was desperately needed, despite the bonus two weeks of Snowpocalypse.
Also, I was just beginning to build a social life before Snowpocalypse snowed all over it, so I felt like I was starting all over socially in late February. Finding friends without having them right next to me is difficult.
Three (I’ve rambled for so long anyone reading may have forgotten I was listing reasons I hadn’t written what I’m writing yet), I was afraid that somehow March of 2011 would turn out like March of 2010. With bitter disappointment. With expectation turned to nothing. With growth that was really good but really really hard. I just didn’t want to think about that possibility, no matter how remote. Nor did I really want to think about last March. Or this past February for that matter.
Sometimes I need to write in the heat of the moment, so I will remember how I really felt. And sometimes I need to step away and wait so the heat of the moment doesn’t carry me away to extremes that are just exaggerations of my actual feelings. Last year, I needed to remember how I really felt. Now? A little distance is good for me.
This time last year I was in Jackson. Oh how I miss that time. THAT part of March 2010 was fabulous, but I pretended that was April anyway. And that the hateful part of April was just nowhere. Nevertheless, Jackson and the work the Lord did left an impression on my heart, my soul, my mind that will remain forever. Like a tattoo, but I detest the word tattoo. Every word I think of to describe it just isn’t right. It’s not a stamp, not a weight, not a burden, not a tattoo, not a calling, but more than just a simple impression. Inscription. [I really have a thing for precise language] The Lord left an inscription on my heart for/with/by Jackson. This inscription has so much to say, but that’s for another time.
March 2011, you’re almost over. Sorry I tried to ignore you, you’ve actually been rather super. Keep going strong.
This time last year I was getting ready to do something completely crazy. It did not turn out as hoped.
Do I love my life anyway? Absolutely. Am I glad I did that crazy thing? Yes. Would I like my life if it had turned out as I had I hoped? I’m not sure. Most likely, probably not.
My current tomorrow will be filled with crazy, just of a different sort. Children, hugs, discipline, grace, cleaning, running, remembering, being.
The best part? The Lord was with me then and the Lord is with me now. And He’ll be there tomorrow and the day after that. Even when I think He’s nuts. Even when I’m nuts. Even when He prompts me to do crazy things. I like this adventure.
More on February thoughts and March expectations later.
Let’s just say that February 2011 will not go down as the most productive month of my life. Also, March 2011 holds much more promise and much less inner turmoil than March 2010.
January went out some snow and February entered with full-on Blizzard Snowpocalypse. I’m at the end of Day 2 of Snowpocalypse Days and, as much as I love my job, I also love snow days. But more about those later.
So January, How were you? I mean, you were really a blur. At first I was still on break,then regular life started back up again. OH WAIT I DON’T GO TO SCHOOL ANYMORE. I don’t really forget that very often, because it’s really just so delightful. I don’t have homework, I don’t have class, I don’t have to wait around for class to start, I don’t have to get out of class at 10 PM and not get home until 10:30 only to wake up at 6:00 the next morning.
I can have a life now. I can throw myself even more into work. I can schedule dinner dates with friends. I can pursue other dreams. I’m letting God run the show, which is delightful. I guess that’s my theme of January: God’s running my show. I’m super excited about where he’s taking the show. Most of the performances will be at home, but I’ll be going on the road a number of times this year. I’ve been to my dear Arkansas already and may be making journeys to other parts of the country over the next few months.
I had two snow days in January, a nice harbinger of things to come in February, I suppose. I was not super productive those days. I pretty much just sorted things in my room and watched Bones. And tried to organize my life.
Even in those times of unproductivity, God was still teaching, still beating things into my head. Things may be happening. I’m not sure what. I have hopes. We’ll see if it’s time yet. He’s speaking and I’m just going, doing what I think I’m supposed to do until He turns me down another path.
This season of my life may seem easy, comfortable to others looking in on my life. I don’t really care. Because I am happy, fulfilled. But even in that happiness and fulfillment, God is stretching me, having me do crazy things that are difficult and often stress me out. My job is fulfilling and awesome but hard. The ministries outside my job that he’s calling me to are time-consuming and sometimes a stretch for my skills. The people he puts in my life are beloved to me, but sometimes drive me nuts. Never a dull moment, but my life is often completely overwhleming. I love it and what God’s doing.
In other news, I have a new favorite band, The Civil Wars. I’d had some of their music but it hadn’t really grabbed me yet. They had a new album out yesterday, and since EVERYONE in the world was on Facebook thanks to Snowpocalypse, a lot of friends were recommending it. And I love it. Especially “I’ve Got This Friend.” Try it, you might love it, too.
February, you’ve already been a little crazy. Don’t disappoint. Bring the crazy. God does his best work when life is crazy.
I’ve had the year 2010 in the back of my mind for years. I’ve known since elementary school that I would be graduating from college in 2010.
I graduated seven months ago and now 2010 is nearly over. It’s time for 2011.
I don’t know what to do with 2011. Life has been planned only up until this point. I don’t know what to do next or when things will happen. This is not bad. It’s actually fabulous, it’s just taking some getting used to.
In January of 2010, I wrote a list of things I wanted to have accomplished over the next year, prompted by questions I found on Boundless Line. Not quite resolutions, but really some thoughts and dreams and ideas for this last crazy year.
The first question was “What would you like to see different about your life one year from now?” My first item on the list? Not even anywhere near accomplished. However, it was “I would like to have gone on a date” so that’s not exactly something I can take care of on my own. I was much more successful with my other plans, such as “I would like to have a steady job, preferably at LLH” and “I would like to be saving money.” Hurrah for an amazing job that pays!
As to what I wanted to have accomplished by now? Playing ultimate well was one of my goals. I don’t know if I play it well, but I’m infinitely better than I was last January. I play a sport now. I have frisbees. It’s weird and awesome. I can’t even begin to describe how my decision to play Ultimate changed my life. I’m healthier, more athletic, less fearful, more confident, and more. The Lord did those things. It’s kind of amazing. Also, I’m pretty sure that all that happened with me and Ultimate and other choices I made in 2010 have given me the confidence to quit grad school and change directions a bit. I’m seriously considering getting an MBA or MNFP [master’s in not-for-profit management], something I wouldn’t have dreamed of a year or two ago. Honestly, probably because a year or two ago I didn’t think I could do that. Accounting? Math? Administrating a non-profit? Those are potentially terrifying prospects. Well, they used to be terrifying. I’m not afraid.
“For God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control.” [2 Timothy 1:7]
I, of course, had other goals and dreams for the year, but this isn’t the space for them. Some were accomplished. Others are dreams still left unfulfilled. As I look back on what I wrote about every month, I know the year has been good. There’s always another year for dreams to come to fruition. To be made beautiful.
So what will the year of 2011 bring? Unknowns. Exciting unknowns. I don’t really know what to do with you, 2011. Fortunately, I’m not the one who has to know.
“He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the human heart; yet no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end.” [Ecclesiastes 3:11]
I love Christmas. This year, I celebrated Christmas approximately five times.
This abundance of celebration has not been overwhelming or stressful–instead, it has been a blessing. I see the work of the Lord in the lives of my friends, family, co-workers, students, and more. It’s been pretty amazing.
So, in the words of one of my beloved students: Merry Chri-Chri.
The Lord is doing things.
I don’t know what, when, where, or how. But he’s at work. I can see it, I can feel it. And I want to remember this feeling of knowing that the Lord is doing things. I wish I could come up with more eloquent words than “doing things.” But that covers it.
Keep doing things, Lord. [I just don’t want to forget.]
The last month of 2010 is about to arrive.
Whirl. Wind. A whirl of wind. [30 rock is in my brain] That’s the only way to describe this year. As I think about the year, I almost don’t recognize myself from who I was last December. But it’s not the end of the year yet, who knows what else could change in the next 31 days.
So November. The last 30 days have been like each month before it, full of busyness. I’ve been trying to figure out my life, what I want, where to find friends. I have had mixed success.
I love my job. I can’t wait to quit grad school. I’m excited to find another program that fits me better. In my heart, I think I know where I’ll head. But I haven’t done enough research or found a pot of gold at the end of a rainbow to do it.
This last day of November was long. I’m exhausted. Life is good.
Coldplay releases a new song tomorrow. I want it badly.
I love Christmas music. Coldplay’s new song is entitled “Christmas Lights.” I hope this combination is good.
December, be splendid.
I watched the penultimate Harry Potter movie at midnight Friday. It’s a miracle I stayed awake while waiting for midnight and a further miracle that I stayed awake through the whole movie. This difficulty staying awake had nothing to do with the film itself and all to do with my working 40 hours a week, having a typical bedtime of 10:30 PM, and waking up at 6 AM most days. Even with my tiredness the next day, it was so worth it. The movie was fabulous. It captured the first half of the Deathly Hallows almost perfectly.
Apparently, reviewers were falling asleep, but because they thought the movie was slow. I feel like every review I’ve read was written by someone who hasn’t read or doesn’t love the books. It’s SUPPOSED to be slower in some parts. Harry, Ron, and Hermione are wandering around the UK trying to save the world but they have no idea how. Of course everything won’t move at the speed of light. They’re searching, they’re confused, they’re wandering. And really, they’re in the mountains and forests of the UK, so every background is gorgeous. With or without the UK landscape, the film captured the frustration, desperation, and despair of the trio.
I think it was the best of the Harry movies so far. Deathly Hallows was my favorite of the books, which is perhaps why I enjoyed the films so much. I can’t really picture things when I read, so by watching the movie I could finally see what I’d read. I can’t believe there’s only one film left.
I want a graduate degree that includes the following components:
Why do I like so many things?
Those six assignments I had to complete in about a week’s time? Done.
Do I know it’s November? Yes.
Is November half way over? Yes.
Is it almost Thanksgiving? Yes.
Is it almost 2011? Yes.
Yikes. I did many things I did not expect in 2010. I didn’t do many things I wanted to do.
I will not be an official student in 2011. Maybe then I’ll be able to do some of 2010’s uncompleted items.
In a quest to find a new graduate program, I have discovered what I already knew: Getting a master’s degree in something in which I’m really interested is expensive. Anything remotely ministry-inclined is more than twice as much as the degree I’m quitting. I find this to be ridiculous. How can master’s degrees in fields specifically non-profit be so expensive? Hello? I won’t be making any money with this degree?
I don’t want to go into more debt just to get a master’s degree. But I don’t really see a way around it/ I’ve read a lot about avoiding debt and I’m totally on board with that. It’s just so unavoidable.
I’ve read about how Christian women my age who want to someday get married and eventually stay at home with their kids shouldn’t acquire debt because they won’t be able to pay it off. There are two problems with that statement to me: someday and eventually. I’m not going to put off graduate school for someday or eventually.
I believe in being prudent, planning for the future (whoa how I plan), etc, but I don’t believe in just twiddling my thumbs. I have no prospects in the young man department. None. Whatsoever. I’m not waiting around for nothing. I don’t think God wants me to wait for nothing. I just don’t know what I’m waiting for or what I should do/what I should spend while I’m waiting.
Live every week like it’s shark week [Tracy Jordan, 30 Rock]
Lakesidegirl 